Your True Love: Deference, Submission, and Ego

There must come a time when certain members of the male community must admit their incessant desire to be with their true loves: Deference. Submission. Ego. Not only should they admit this, they should start wearing t-shirts that reveal their truest desires for all to see. And then when they have their assemblies, they can chant the following mantras:

“Know your place”

“Men need respect more than they need love”,

“As a woman…..”

“I am the head”

“Defer to me”

So you see a woman. You describe her personality as “rich”. It is this “rich” personality that draws you to said woman. In fact, you brag to your friends and family that you love how “boisterous” she is. You love that she is driven. You love that she is a go-getter. In fact, you go as far as “supporting” her endeavors. You commend her on her leadership. You commend her on the wonderful life she has built for herself. You observe that she has a community that loves her, a community that respects her thoughts and opinions, a community that views her as a complete person. You even immerse yourself so much into her community that you find yourself receiving personal invitation from her loved ones. You give these people the impression that you love this woman as she is. You love what she represents. And most importantly, this is a woman you want in your life.

Furthermore, when you initially sought a relationship with said woman, she explicitly makes clear to you that she has no intention of being your shadow. She has no intention of being your “neck”. She has no intention of being your subordinate. She has no intention of disappearing into the elusive shadows of wifehood. She does not sugarcoat this. She does not transform her tone to be baby-like as to massage your ego. No. She is assertive and curt about this declaration to make clear to you that she will never waver on her stance. Because she knows that you and your colleagues of men tend to have these desires. And so she makes clear that she will never make an exception for you.

You, Mr Man, proceed to declare to said woman that you agree. Yes, you opened your mouth to declare that you are not only on the same page, but you come from a home where these sentiments are shared. That amongst your sisters you observed the same lessons being taught. You tell woman that you would never want her to become your subordinate. That the only being you both should be submitting to is God. Yes, these words came out of your mouth.

Ms. Woman would go on to repeat this declaration every 2 months to ensure that you are still in alignment… because she suspects that you may be one day fall into the default factory settings of patriarchy. But you, Mr Man, never waver in your supposed commitment in being progressive.

Once in a while, you would recall a story to Ms. Woman about how one of your man comrades took a job in a location that his wife could never work so his wife quit her job and now they are supposedly happy. Ms. Woman would respond to that story stating that it is sad that his wife is being forced to give up something she loves for him and she could not envision herself in that situation. You, Mr Man, would hear these words and then echo Ms. Woman’s sentiments. You would even follow up with words like “I would never make my wife quit her job.”

As the Rihanna hit single states, “you put on quite a show”. That you did, Mr. Man. As time went by, there was only so much performing you could do, after all you are not Beyonce. There was only so much “progressiveness” you could stomach before you would vomit your real persona. One year into declaring your love for Ms. Woman, you found yourself grappling with your true self.

Your true self. Mr Deference. Mr “my ego is big”. Mr “a man should head the house and his wife should defer to him only. “Mr. if-i-can-pay-all-the-bills-then-why-do-you-need-work”. Ah the real you came out, but you never wanted your mask to fall. Oh, how you underestimated Ms. Woman.

You see, you saw Ms. Woman as you see all women: beneath men. Therefore, when she made a declaration about who she was and what she wanted, you thought that your presence in her life was greater than the desires she has for herself. You placed yourself on a mantle that patriarchy deceives you into thinking you belong on. You thought Ms. Woman would be so desperate for marriage that she would allow you remove your mask and deceive her into a life she never wanted. Ah, you were so wrong.

Ms. Woman began to suspect that you were not who you posed to be. When the time to make decisions that would test your supposed “progressiveness” came, she watched you fail your test time and time again. When you were required to display tenets of partnership, you failed time and time again. She observed your inconsistencies, your inability to compromise, you inability to articulate how you would merge your lives. You were unable to articulate how you would match her compromises. Oh, Mr Man. She began to see that you were asking her to make 100 concessions, yet you could not be humble enough to even make one. She found herself being swallowed into your own abstract plans, with no accommodation for her own wants and desires.

So one day, Ms. Woman demanded answers. Answers for why you were finally starting to appear differently from when you first emerged in your life. And when you could no longer find lies to sustain the time, your mask dropped. You struggled to maintain this mask you’ve carried for so long. You finally uttered the words:

“As a husband, you should defer to me to make all the decisions in the home because I am a man and I am the head of the household. Even if you disagree, you should defer to me on all decisions.”

“There can only be one captain. Only one person can drive a car. There can only be one CEO”.

And so you went on, spouting analogies that support hierarchy, spouting rhetoric that counters the persona you first presented when you first approached Ms. Woman. The real you finally came out.

The real you – devoid of emotions, refusing to acknowledge your deception, arrogant, proud. Ms. Woman watched you transform from a dove to a dinosaur.

Now, after your manly declaration, you convinced yourself that Ms. Woman would surely conform to your way of thinking. You took a pause, a hopeful pause. You thought she was considering your words as gospel. You assumed that she must be so keen on being married that she would surely yield to your secret mission.

She did not. She will not. And she will never.

To your surprise, she walked away. She called you the liar that you are. She outlined your manipulative tactics. She shattered that deceptive mask you tried to put on.

In your twisted mind, you thought that a woman who you once bragged to your friends and family that you love how “boisterous” she is, that you love that she is driven, that you love that she is a go-getter – you thought this is the same woman that you can transform into your subordinate? Oh, Mr Man. How foolish of you. The very qualities that attracted you to Ms. Woman are what you plan to subjugate when you marry her? Doesn’t that make you a wizard?

I digress.

Anyway Mr Man, you underestimated how much she would hold on to her values. Now you’ve been left alone… you and your deference, your ego, your hierarchy, and your mask can be with each other.