Obscurity after the Heartbreak – Part 3

Recapping the details of our three-year relationship always puts me in a trance of utter embarrassment. Even though it was such a toxic practice, I could not pull myself away from reliving the memories and beating myself up. I’d often scold myself and say “But you knew from the first date that the man was not for you, so why did you expect it to turn out differently?”

Three months into this our looks-good-on-paper relationship, the man invited me to spend the holiday with his family. When I told Timi, my romantic coach, she exclaimed “you see, this is a sign that he is thinking about you in terms of future plans.” I smiled and nodded shyly, giving her the impression that this was surely the case. What I did not reveal to her was that he unwillingly offered the invitation because I lamented that I had nowhere to spend the holidays. I had waited too long to book a flight to Nigeria, and my work schedule wouldn’t allow an extended stay out of country. I lamented about my potential fate of having to spend time alone on 5 occasions before my loving boyfriend finally responded, “I guess you can just join my family if you want”. Common sense would have told me that this is another red flag, but I chose to focus on the “good”. No…… he did not properly or intentionally invite me to formally meet his family. But as the saying goes, a win is a win right? Ah to be stupid! I was sha meeting his family, that was what was important. 

This introduction to the family catapulted our superficial relationship from seemingly casual to “marriage material” …. sadly. Once I was enthusiastically greeted by his parents and it was made clear that bringing me home was one of the best things he had ever done, any glaring flaw he had was selectively ignored by me at this stage. His sisters gushed over me endlessly and they by even teased him about “landing a girl like me”. My foolish self indulged in the cheap compliments shamelessly, while ignoring the fact that he was not phased by his family’s excitement at all. In fact, he seemed rather irritated. I gathered this by his unwillingness to give me house tour or make me a plate or even properly introduce me to his extended family members. He made it a point to disappear into one of the rooms, leaving me to make small talk with his siblings.

Despite this clear sign that he was not that into me, our relationship was now solid. Year 1 passed us and he recognized this anniversary by forgetting the date and proceeding to be irritated by me being irritated by his lack of attention. For a brief moment, I regained my sanity and plotted to break up with him. Unfortunately, I shared this plan with my romantic coach, Timi, who quickly advised me to “be understanding and learn that men like that are not that romantic”. And so I forgave his irritation and even went on to plan our anniversary date. Months later, my birthday came around and he canceled the supposed plans he had for me one hour to the dinner reservation. When I expressed disappointment and frustration, he retorted with silent treatment – showing me that he could compete in the battle of emotional tantrums. That was the first tear to my heart and had I focused on my self-worth, I would have discovered the courage to block the obviously mad man. But I did not; what I had was a delusional romantic coach reminding me that he was just “stressed from work and trying to build for OUR future”. Again, I am not blaming that poor girl – I just want to acknowledge my lack of wise counsel as I wholeheartedly participated in the nonsense. 

By the time our relationship reached year 2, I was already accustomed to his mistreatment. I traded my self-worth, peace, and fulfillment to hold on to my looks-good-on-paper boyfriend. Sometimes he wasn’t so bad. He’d buy me gifts randomly (these gifts would ironically be items he wished were in my apartment for his convenience; mostly technology items he would tease me for not having). He would take me out on dates – lunch dates 2 blocks from his office and covered by his lavish corporate card – a generous man he was. I endured because I was a focused woman – I was about to get the ring. Why fuss over little things like meaningful dates when the opportunity to be legally wedded was within grasp? 

By the time we entered year 3, I was an emotionally battered woman. When I say this, people scoff and roll their eyes. They dismiss his antics and accuse me of being dramatic. You see… between year 2 and 3, the man introduced new dynamics into our relationship. I still had a little fire inside me from time to time. When he skipped accompanying me to the emergency room to attend his colleague’s bachelor party (“for networking purposes”), when he opted to not invite me to his friends’ weddings (even though they included me on the guest list), or when he planned his co-ed birthday trip without extending an invitation, I protested through long text messages, speeches, and sometimes tears. Sometimes, he would show remorse. Most times, he would mansplain why his erred decisions were the best and how I was simply overreacting. And when I didn’t accept his explanations and demanded better apologies, he resorted to invoking break ups as punishments. He did that so often that he even had a routine. We would first “talk our issues out” over the phone or in person. I would offer an apology (because Timi taught me that I had to be the bigger person) and he would be on the verge of recognizing his wrongdoing. And then after claiming he needed time to think about it, he would send a long text message first thing in the morning of a work day informing me of why he could no longer date me. I would tell him that I understood – because while I was operating in a state of insanity triggered by desperation, I could never ever ever ever beg a man. That was my limit. And once he recognized that I wouldn’t beg him, he’d muster up a weak apology and tell me that he only sent the message out of anger. Any like a foolish hen, I’d accept it and take the man back. Anything to get back on the marriage track. 

I was so determined to accomplish this ring that I started to drop hints about marriage, in hopes of encouraging cogent discussions about a future together. Every time I’d inquire about what future he saw between us, I’d leave the conversation feeling vulnerable and stupid. One particular day as he casually mentioned that he was considering a job offer on another continent, I summoned the courage to ask “do you see me in your future”. And I was met with a big ela oju kan*. This man  responded, “have I proposed to you?” He said this while smirking widely. While he was reveling in his useless and tasteless joke, my senses that had been lost for 2 years were finally returning back. It was as if my brain was getting a much-needed software update! All I kept thinking as he chuckled obnoxiously was, “it’s like this boy wants to rubbish me.” 

Well, few months into year 3, it appears the man thought my desperation had reached new levels, so he unleashed his punishment of break up number 4 after I loudly chastised him for standing me up at my own friend’s wedding. This time, he even did me the courtesy of meeting me in person. First he gave a week-long silent treatment; no big deal to him as this was his normal behavior. After I sent my usual long letters pleading, he agreed to meet in person. I told him he at least owed me an in-person break up. He walked into the restaurant confidently and regurgitated what he sent via text message. I am so grateful for his stupid, proud decision because watching the disrespectful words fly out of his lips forever altered my brain chemistry. As he opened his mouth to insult me, I was staring in disbelief and wondering “so this is the fool I have disgraced myself for”. At the end of that meet up, he asked me for a hug, the audacity. I refused and intentionally watched him walk out of the door, vowing that it would be the last time I played his cruel game. Before I could let my brain fully process what was happening to me, I downloaded the dating apps and matched with a man that I could have loved but did not have the ability to due to the years wasted on the man.